Why Childfree Individuals Face Judgement Despite Growing Acceptance

Introduction

The Turning Point

For the first 18 years of my life, I thought that I wanted to become a mother. I imagined names that I wanted to give to my future children someday.

In 2018, I questioned my life trajectory for the first time when I was hospitalized for mental health reasons. Under these difficult circumstances, I imagined an alternative version of adulthood where I could pursue my own interests, travel wherever I wanted by myself, and protect my mental health instead of sacrificing it to meet the responsibilities of raising a child.

Instead of feeling disappointed, I felt relieved.

Feeling confident, I was eager to inform my friends and doctors about not wanting a child. Surprisingly, they were dismissive of me opting out of parenthood. One of my younger female friends argued that I was supposed to have children and talked about adoption. A male doctor dismissed my choice due to being young and insisted that I would later change my mind.

Dismayed by the comments, I worried about making a reckless choice about not wanting to become a parent. Even then, I did not change my mind.

A Childfree Therapist Invalidated My Childfree Identity

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A year later, I began seeing a new therapist outside of Cornell’s campus. Although he gave helpful advice on navigating social situations as an autistic person, he sometimes interjected his subjective opinions and problems during therapy. Over the course of several months, his red flags became more apparent, which included using racial stereotypes against Asian people.

During the last session, he invalidated my childfree stance despite being an older childfree man himself. Since I was a young woman, he thought that my decision was temporary. Bursting into tears, I immediately left the building and began speed walking back to Cornell’s campus.

How Parents Maintain the Status Quo of Pronatalist Culture

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Although there is increasing acceptance of childfree people, those who voluntarily opt out of parenthood, in recent years, this population still receives pushback due to not subscribing to societal norms. Around the world, people are expected to become parents and have children.

This backlash can be explained by the Social Identity Theory coined by Henri Tajfel and John Turner in 1979. People categorize themselves according to groups that they belong to, including race, ethnicity, and disability status. The Social Identity Theory also suggests that individuals improve “their self-esteem by identifying with ingroups and differentiating [themselves] from outgroups” (Tajfel & Turner 1979).

In a pronatalist culture, parents are perceived as the dominant in-group, while childfree people are deemed the out-group. To maintain the superiority of their identity, many parents question and criticize childfree people for proactively choosing not to have kids. For example, “childfree people may be [perceived] as selfish and narcissistic” for not following societal norms of pronatalism (Callan, 1985). Some common statements that childfree people hear are that their choice is simply a phase and that they will eventually change their mind. For instance, DS, a 23-year-old childfree woman, has been told by multiple family members that she “[will] change her mind and [she will] ‘just know’ when [she is] ready.” As a result, the unsolicited comments and social pressures childfree individuals endure are unsolicited judgments and a psychological defense mechanism used by the dominant group to maintain the status quo.

Due to traditional gender norms, women are expected to be the primary caregiver of the children and the one responsible for household management, such as cooking and cleaning. In Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men (2019), Caroline Criado Pérez emphasizes how “there is no such thing as a woman who doesn’t work. There is only a woman who isn’t paid for her work” (p. 70). According to The State of the World’s Fathers in 2019 report, rigid gender norms expect men to be the primary financial providers for the family and women to be the main caregivers of the children. Since women are expected to be nurturing due to traditional womanhood, proactively opting out of motherhood is perceived as a violation of a woman’s role in society. As a result, the unsolicited comments and social pressures childfree individuals endure are unsolicited judgments and a psychological defense mechanism used by the dominant group to maintain the status quo.

Childfree Women Face Lots of Backlash for not Becoming Mothers

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This double standard means that while a man’s identity is often tied to his career or financial independence, a woman’s identity is still tied to her reproductive choices. Ella Rhodes, an openly childfree woman in the United Kingdom, spoke out on how people react to her choice of being childfree by choice even in professional settings. For instance, Rhodes has been told that “[she] will regret it” and that she has been asked, “Who will look after you when you’re older?” (2024). Furthermore, Ruby Warrington delves into the stigma that childfree women face in her book Women Without Kids, such as being underrepresented in popular media and being perceived as abnormal.

Several childfree women from my survey regarding the stigma that childfree people face have expressed similar sentiments to Rhodes and Warrington. For instance, Participant 26, who has always identified as childfree, has stated that she did not want to have children due to her fear of pregnancy and not wanting to pass down mental health issues “that are common in [her] family and [her partner’s] family. At 16 years old, she was discussing careers, amongst other things, with a guidance counselor, only to be told regarding when she would get her driver’s license, “You should make sure [to] learn how to drive. What if someday your kids needed to go to the doctor, and you couldn’t drive them?” Participant 26 was completely stunned and questioned why it was appropriate for an older woman at school to look down at her for not wanting children.

Additionally, C.F. decided at 31 years old that she wanted to be childfree when she “fully grasped all the implications of motherhood and [her] ex at 31.” C.F. also remarks that “due to patriarchy, I’d also be doing the majority of the child raising, which is unfair and would impact my job opportunities and financial independence.” According to the 2022 Gender Equity Policy Institute, the imbalance of unpaid labor dramatically increases during the prime years for working and childbearing. Among Americans ages 25 to 34, “women do 2.3 times as much household work and 2.8 times as much childcare as men” (GEPI Analysis of ATUS, 2022). Choosing to be childfree allows a woman to opt out of the systematic imbalance and directly challenges the societal norms that previous generations accepted. Refusing to accept an unequal distribution of labor often creates friction in relationships, where peers attempt to force the woman back into a conventional narrative. Despite the structural reasoning behind her stance, C.F. has been questioned by one of her friends in her 60s who has a daughter and a granddaughter by being asked, “What if your husband wants kids?”

Participant 26 and C.F., amongst several childfree women in my survey, experienced the patriarchal bargain, a term developed by Deniz Handiyoti in “Bargaining with Patriarchy” (1988), which refers to when a woman decides to conform to patriarchal standards to gain any kind of benefit, whether it would be financial or social. In both cases, the guidance counselor and C.F.’s older friend chose to follow the gender expectations for women to gain respect from other people or for safety reasons. When the older women questioned these younger women for choosing to not have kids, it seemed like a threat since the older women might have made several sacrifices from being a mother. If a younger woman decided to not become a mother and still live a fulfilling life, it makes the older woman’s choices look unnecessary instead of compulsory. By dismissing Participant 26’s choice as merely a phase or C.F.’s older friend asking C.F. if her husband wanted kids, the older women tried to protect the value of their lives and reinforce traditional gender norms set out for women.

Childfree Men Face Less Pushback for not Wanting Fatherhood

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The survey revealed a gender disparity in how childfree people of different genders are perceived, with men hearing fewer invalidating remarks due to their gender identity.

Although Jared knew for a while that he did not want to have kids, it did not click for him until he was in his “mid- to late 20s.” When envisioning his life, it became “more obvious that kids were never a part of it” and that he was “self-aware enough to be honest about it.” Jared gets some of the most common invalidating statements from some family members and people he is not as close to anymore. For example, Jared has heard, “Don’t you want to pass on your legacy?” or “Who is going to take care of you when you’re older?” Under the patriarchy, men are expected to continue their legacy to future generations. Additionally, men are pressured to continue their last name, maintain their lineage, and pass down their genes. When a man voluntarily opts out of fatherhood, society often criticizes him for failing to preserve his familial lineage.

Meanwhile, Dave, who has never felt it was the right time to have kids, has not been criticized for being childfree. Unfortunately, his wife hears inappropriate comments quite often. For instance, Dave’s wife hears from her sister-in-law that “she’ll change her mind when the biological clock starts ticking” and that “he is pressuring her into that decision.” Dave also notes that “there’s an expectation that men won’t want kids until it happens, so [he does not] get dismissed for not wanting kids.”

These patterns from Dave and Jared as well as other childfree men are strongly supported by the findings in a 2025 study conducted by Denson et al. from The Journal of Social Psychology. Using the Stereotype Content Model, which measures people in terms of warmth and competence, Denson et al. (2025) found out that childfree individuals are perceived as highly competent but less warm. In addition, childfree women were rated lower in warmth compared to childfree men. The quantitative data clearly explains why Dave does not get scrutinized for being childfree while his wife gets frequent pushback. Since traditional gender norms rely on women to be the default caretakers of the children, women who reject motherhood are perceived more coldly. In contrast, childfree men are granted more flexibility regarding caregiving responsibilities and do not get blamed for being childfree largely due to their gender.

How Does Popular Media Depict Childfree People?

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While public conversations surrounding voluntary childlessness are slowly shifting, traditional popular media continues to reinforce a rigid life script to penalize characters that choose not to have children. Several survey respondents often remarked that childfree characters are often boxed into a more conventional life path of parenthood by the series finale. For example, Karo notes that the main character from The Hunger Games trilogy, a dystopian series focusing on “Katniss Everdeen,” never wanted to have children from the beginning so that she could live for herself and not bring children into a messed-up world. At the very end, Katniss has kids anyway, which further enforces the narrative that being childfree is merely a temporary phase. Furthermore, Jared and Jordi observed that childfree characters in television series and movies rely on stereotypes, such as the cold and selfish career woman or sad and lonely women who never got married. The lack of diverse representation of childfree women makes it difficult for the public to view childfree individuals living a fulfilling path in life.

On the other hand, media presentation changes when shifting away from mainstream storylines and alternative narratives. As Survey Respondent 13 noted, “Queer media does a very good job of making child rearing a choice rather than an expectation.” Since LGBTQ+ narratives operate within what Jack Halberstam, a queer theorist, refers to as “queer time,” which exists outside of traditional patriarchal norms and being able to showcase deep community bonds, chosen families, and adult lives that do not default to procreating. While traditional Hollywood tropes rely on chrononormativity, a societal expectation that everyone will follow the same timeline (Freedom, 2010), these inclusive storytelling spaces provide a counternarrative, proving that someone’s life story does not require parenthood.

Conclusion

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Overall, the decision to be childfree by choice extends beyond personal preferences and directly challenges societal expectations of having children that govern societies around the world. By framing the microaggression, invasive questions, and media tropes of childfree people through social psychological frameworks like the Social Identity Theory, childfree individuals experience pushback both from an interpersonal level and a systematic level. Furthermore, parents employ a psychological defense mechanism to legitimize their choice to have children and preserve the status quo against marginalized groups like childfree people. When younger generations examine the asymmetrical distribution of unpaid domestic labor and forge alternative life paths, they reveal that parenthood is optional rather than compulsory.

Validating diverse life trajectories does not diminish the value of parenthood. Rather, it expands what reproductive freedom looks like. True reproductive freedom looks like people planning their lives without being socially excluded, experiencing professional disadvantages at work, and underrepresentation in popular media. By combining statistics and psychological frameworks from research studies plus everyday experiences of survey participants, this research demonstrates being childfree is a valid choice that deserves to be recognized along with parenthood.

References

Callan, V. J. (1985). Perceptions of Parents, the Voluntarily and Involuntarily Childless: A Multidimensional Scaling Analysis. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 47(4), 1045–1050. https://doi.org/10.2307/352349

Criado-Perez, C. (2019). Invisible Women Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men. Vintage.

Freeman, E. (2010). Time Binds. Duke University Press. https://doi.org/10.1215/9780822393184

gpmain@thegepi.org. (2024, October 3). The free-time gender gap. Gender Equity Policy Institute (GEPI). https://thegepi.org/free-time-gender-gap/

Jaffe, S. (2018, January 10). Queer Time: The Alternative to “Adulting.” JSTOR Daily. https://daily.jstor.org/queer-time-the-alternative-to-adulting/

Kandiyoti, D. (1988). Bargaining with Patriarchy. Gender & Society, 2(3), 274–290. https://doi.org/10.1177/089124388002003004

State of the world’s fathers. (o. J.). MenCare. Retrieved 17. May 2026, http://www.mencare.org/what-we-do/advocacy/state-of-the-worlds-fathers/

Rhodes, E. (2024). The Childfree: A Neglected Population? (BPS. Retrieved 17. May 2026, https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/childfree-neglected-population

Tajfel, H., & Turner, J. C. (1979). An integrative theory of inter-group conflict. In W. G. Austin & S. Worchel (Eds.), The social psychology of inter-group relations (pp. 33–47). Monterey, CA: Brooks/Cole.

Warrington, R. (2023). Women without kids: The revolutionary rise of an unsung sisterhood.

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